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data-user-id="1f6526c777ae" dir="auto">Kendra Kinnison</a><span class="followState js-followState" data-user-id="1f6526c777ae"><button class="button button--smallest u-noUserSelect button--withChrome u-baseColor--buttonNormal button--withHover button--unblock js-unblockButton u-marginLeft10 u-xs-hide"  data-action="sign-up-prompt" data-sign-in-action="toggle-block-user" data-requires-token="true" data-redirect="https://medium.com/@kkinnison/mourning-the-life-i-had-before-the-storm-and-embracing-who-i-am-now-61a478224ab7?platform=hootsuite" data-action-source="post_header_lockup"><span class="button-label  button-defaultState">Blocked</span><span class="button-label button-hoverState">Unblock</span></button><button class="button button--primary button--smallest u-noUserSelect button--withChrome u-accentColor--buttonNormal button--follow js-followButton u-marginLeft10 u-xs-hide"  data-action="sign-up-prompt" data-sign-in-action="toggle-subscribe-user" data-requires-token="true" data-redirect="https://medium.com/_/subscribe/user/1f6526c777ae" data-action-source="post_header_lockup-1f6526c777ae-------------------------follow_byline"><span class="button-label  button-defaultState js-buttonLabel">Follow</span><span class="button-label button-activeState">Following</span></button></span></div><div class="ui-caption ui-xs-clamp2 postMetaInline">Mom. General Manager, @portroyalresort. Leadership Coach via @coachdotme. Triathlete. Bibliophile.</div><div class="ui-caption postMetaInline js-testPostMetaInlineSupplemental"><time datetime="2017-11-28T01:50:07.868Z">Nov 27, 2017</time><span class="middotDivider u-fontSize12"></span><span class="readingTime" title="4 min read"></span></div></div></div></div></div></header><div class="postArticle-content js-postField js-notesSource js-trackedPost"  data-post-id="61a478224ab7" data-source="post_page" data-tracking-context="postPage"><section name="be6d" class="section section--body section--first section--last"><div class="section-divider"><hr class="section-divider"></div><div class="section-content"><div class="section-inner sectionLayout--fullWidth"><figure name="3758" id="3758" class="graf graf--figure graf--layoutFillWidth graf--leading"><div class="aspectRatioPlaceholder is-locked"><div class="aspectRatioPlaceholder-fill" style="padding-bottom: 34.8%;"></div><img class="graf-image" data-image-id="1*TvCKnFBa9DpBa9dX79XIPw.jpeg" data-width="3997" data-height="1391" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/2000/1*TvCKnFBa9DpBa9dX79XIPw.jpeg"></div></figure></div><div class="section-inner sectionLayout--insetColumn"><h1 name="c9a3" id="c9a3" class="graf graf--h3 graf-after--figure graf--title">Mourning the Life I Had Before the Storm — and Embracing Who I Am Now</h1><p name="b202" id="b202" class="graf graf--p graf-after--h3">Twice, the lumps in my throat were so large that I almost couldn’t speak. The first was opening up our Thursday leadership team meeting. Then, I had to pause before starting my report at our annual Owners’ Meeting. After weeks of sharing near-daily updates, I couldn’t get the words to come out.</p><p name="1f07" id="1f07" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">I think it’s because I’ve finally realized that this isn’t temporary. The life I had before the storm isn’t an option anymore.</strong></p><p name="1663" id="1663" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">And that kinda stinks.</p><p name="9389" id="9389" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">I liked my life. It took a couple hard years to figure things out after a complicated divorce and emptying nest, but I’d done it. I’d wrestled with the darkness and unfamiliarity, carefully crafting the details of a meaningful life.</p><p name="2016" id="2016" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">Sunday, August 20th was a perfect example. I started the day with a 35 mile bike ride with two of my closest friends. I had fish tacos and a Topo Chico on the island before checking-in with the team on a key facilities project. That evening, I sent the draft of the first section of my book to four early readers.</p><p name="855f" id="855f" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">That was my life. Work was intense, but I’d found good rhythms. I swam in the mornings, took spin classes most nights, and enjoyed long weekend rides. I wrote nearly every day, and my book was taking shape. I visited my daughter and nephews on each of their birthdays and organized family gatherings on holidays. I saw my friends often, and even caught a few movies at the theater. I’d booked a fall trip to Bangkok for an annual gathering of my favorite people.</p><p name="bfc7" id="bfc7" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">And then it was gone …</p><p name="498b" id="498b" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">On Tuesday, August 22, I went to bed praying that the Tropical Storm emerging from the Yucatan peninsula would dissipate.</strong></p><p name="7ad2" id="7ad2" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">On Wednesday, August 23, I made a decision that I prayed was wrong: we’d close and evacuate the resort at 11am Thursday morning.</p><p name="64ae" id="64ae" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">On Thursday, August 24, we initiated our Emergency Action Plan and methodically executed our checklists.</p><p name="2a8c" id="2a8c" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">On Friday, August 25, we made a second walk-through of all 210 units, ticked the final preparations off our list, and hunkered down as the winds knocked out electricity and, eventually, our connection to the outside world.</p><p name="0fff" id="0fff" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">On Saturday, August 26, we woke with the sunrise, began to assess the damage, and then worked through the next steps.</p><p name="187b" id="187b" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">23 days later, I left the resort for the first time. For months, the recovery took all the energy and attention I had.</p><p name="de74" id="de74" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">It literally consumed my life.</p><p name="cf58" id="cf58" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">And then something interesting happened …</p><p name="1737" id="1737" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">A friend asked if I wanted to join them on an Ironman 70.3 relay, running the half marathon portion.</strong></p><p name="4232" id="4232" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">Replying quickly, I said yes, with the irony striking me soon after. I’d swam and biked frequently, but I hadn’t run in years. I hadn’t done any sort of structured workouts in over two months. And I already had blisters from burning my feet on hot pavement.</p><p name="74af" id="74af" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">On Sunday, October 29, I crossed the finish line of the Austin 70.3, even though nothing in my past indicated that I should have. I hadn’t trained, especially for hills. And the last race I’d trained for, I DNF’d. (Blisters, oddly enough.)</p><p name="ff58" id="ff58" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">Something was different about me, and I knew it. But I couldn’t quite describe it yet.</p><p name="c234" id="c234" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Thinking about this run, I told myself that it would be three hours of pain. And then it would be complete. I knew I could endure that.</strong></p><p name="26c4" id="26c4" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">We’d listened to the winds howl for over 10 hours, twisting metal, breaking windows, and hurling debris all around.</p><p name="7999" id="7999" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">We’d managed several weeks with no utilities, entirely too excited to see the porta-potties arrive. I’d taken cold showers for the better part of two months, more than half of them in an outside trailer rigged up in the parking lot.</p><p name="5796" id="5796" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">We’d navigated immediate triage, daily emergencies, remediation, insurance adjusters, communicating with worried owners, complete business disruption, refunding booked guests, coordinating contractors, and rallied our teams to provide thousands of hours of community service and launch a training program. The days were long and intense, but we stayed after it.</p><p name="cb7a" id="cb7a" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">Since the storm, I’d slept alone on a mostly dark island with only the bare essentials and a security team posted on the perimeter of our 25 acres. (Plus, my trusty 9mm and fire extinguisher nearby.)</p><p name="c46f" id="c46f" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">I’d experienced swarming mosquitos, displaced snakes, flammable seagrass, cranky generators, extreme heat, and some very cold nights. My safety manager joked that it was like living in <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">Survivor</em>, <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">Naked &amp; Afraid</em>, <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">Undercover Boss</em>, and <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">Hotel: Impossible</em> — all at the same time.</p><p name="5afd" id="5afd" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">For three hours, I could tolerate anything. I’d just keep moving forward.</p><p name="752f" id="752f" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">I now know that I can handle discomfort and uncertainty, maybe even thrive in it. (My team can too.)</strong></p><p name="43a4" id="43a4" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">And as much as I want to, I can’t ignore that reality. I’m not the person I was before the storm.</p><p name="b1b1" id="b1b1" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p">There’s a part of me that’s sad about that. There’s another part of me that’s excited about what’s now possible.</p><p name="98a6" id="98a6" class="graf graf--p graf-after--p graf--trailing">Aside from the rebuilding, the next journey will be figuring out what life looks like going forward. I suppose it’s time to embrace that adventure too.</p></div></div></section></div><footer class="u-paddingTop10"><div class="container u-maxWidth740"><div class="row"><div class="col u-size12of12"><div class="postMetaInline postMetaInline--acknowledgments u-paddingTop5 u-paddingBottom20 js-postMetaAcknowledgments"><span data-tooltip="The following people helped the author by providing feedback before the story was published.">Thanks to</span> <span><a class="link u-baseColor--link"   href="https://medium.com/@tonystubblebine?source=post_page" data-action="show-user-card" data-action-source="post_page" data-action-value="adeddd83f452" data-action-type="hover" data-user-id="adeddd83f452" dir="auto">Tony Stubblebine</a></span>. </div></div></div><div class="row"><div class="col u-size12of12 js-postTags"><div class="u-paddingBottom10"><ul class="tags tags--postTags tags--borderless"><li><a class="link u-baseColor--link"   href="https://medium.com/tag/hurricane-harvey?source=post" 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The life I had before the storm isn’t an option anymore.","markups":[{"type":1,"start":0,"end":126}]},{"name":"1663","type":1,"text":"And that kinda stinks.","markups":[]},{"name":"9389","type":1,"text":"I liked my life. It took a couple hard years to figure things out after a complicated divorce and emptying nest, but I’d done it. I’d wrestled with the darkness and unfamiliarity, carefully crafting the details of a meaningful life.","markups":[]},{"name":"2016","type":1,"text":"Sunday, August 20th was a perfect example. I started the day with a 35 mile bike ride with two of my closest friends. I had fish tacos and a Topo Chico on the island before checking-in with the team on a key facilities project. That evening, I sent the draft of the first section of my book to four early readers.","markups":[]},{"name":"855f","type":1,"text":"That was my life. Work was intense, but I’d found good rhythms. I swam in the mornings, took spin classes most nights, and enjoyed long weekend rides. I wrote nearly every day, and my book was taking shape. I visited my daughter and nephews on each of their birthdays and organized family gatherings on holidays. I saw my friends often, and even caught a few movies at the theater. I’d booked a fall trip to Bangkok for an annual gathering of my favorite people.","markups":[]},{"name":"bfc7","type":1,"text":"And then it was gone …","markups":[]},{"name":"498b","type":1,"text":"On Tuesday, August 22, I went to bed praying that the Tropical Storm emerging from the Yucatan peninsula would dissipate.","markups":[{"type":1,"start":0,"end":121}]},{"name":"7ad2","type":1,"text":"On Wednesday, August 23, I made a decision that I prayed was wrong: we’d close and evacuate the resort at 11am Thursday morning.","markups":[]},{"name":"64ae","type":1,"text":"On Thursday, August 24, we initiated our Emergency Action Plan and methodically executed our checklists.","markups":[]},{"name":"2a8c","type":1,"text":"On Friday, August 25, we made a second walk-through of all 210 units, ticked the final preparations off our list, and hunkered down as the winds knocked out electricity and, eventually, our connection to the outside world.","markups":[]},{"name":"0fff","type":1,"text":"On Saturday, August 26, we woke with the sunrise, began to assess the damage, and then worked through the next steps.","markups":[]},{"name":"187b","type":1,"text":"23 days later, I left the resort for the first time. For months, the recovery took all the energy and attention I had.","markups":[]},{"name":"de74","type":1,"text":"It literally consumed my life.","markups":[]},{"name":"cf58","type":1,"text":"And then something interesting happened …","markups":[]},{"name":"1737","type":1,"text":"A friend asked if I wanted to join them on an Ironman 70.3 relay, running the half marathon portion.","markups":[{"type":1,"start":0,"end":100}]},{"name":"4232","type":1,"text":"Replying quickly, I said yes, with the irony striking me soon after. I’d swam and biked frequently, but I hadn’t run in years. I hadn’t done any sort of structured workouts in over two months. And I already had blisters from burning my feet on hot pavement.","markups":[]},{"name":"74af","type":1,"text":"On Sunday, October 29, I crossed the finish line of the Austin 70.3, even though nothing in my past indicated that I should have. I hadn’t trained, especially for hills. And the last race I’d trained for, I DNF’d. (Blisters, oddly enough.)","markups":[]},{"name":"ff58","type":1,"text":"Something was different about me, and I knew it. But I couldn’t quite describe it yet.","markups":[]},{"name":"c234","type":1,"text":"Thinking about this run, I told myself that it would be three hours of pain. And then it would be complete. I knew I could endure that.","markups":[{"type":1,"start":0,"end":135}]},{"name":"26c4","type":1,"text":"We’d listened to the winds howl for over 10 hours, twisting metal, breaking windows, and hurling debris all around.","markups":[]},{"name":"7999","type":1,"text":"We’d managed several weeks with no utilities, entirely too excited to see the porta-potties arrive. I’d taken cold showers for the better part of two months, more than half of them in an outside trailer rigged up in the parking lot.","markups":[]},{"name":"5796","type":1,"text":"We’d navigated immediate triage, daily emergencies, remediation, insurance adjusters, communicating with worried owners, complete business disruption, refunding booked guests, coordinating contractors, and rallied our teams to provide thousands of hours of community service and launch a training program. The days were long and intense, but we stayed after it.","markups":[]},{"name":"cb7a","type":1,"text":"Since the storm, I’d slept alone on a mostly dark island with only the bare essentials and a security team posted on the perimeter of our 25 acres. (Plus, my trusty 9mm and fire extinguisher nearby.)","markups":[]},{"name":"c46f","type":1,"text":"I’d experienced swarming mosquitos, displaced snakes, flammable seagrass, cranky generators, extreme heat, and some very cold nights. My safety manager joked that it was like living in Survivor, Naked & Afraid, Undercover Boss, and Hotel: Impossible — all at the same time.","markups":[{"type":2,"start":185,"end":193},{"type":2,"start":195,"end":209},{"type":2,"start":211,"end":226},{"type":2,"start":232,"end":249}]},{"name":"5afd","type":1,"text":"For three hours, I could tolerate anything. I’d just keep moving forward.","markups":[]},{"name":"752f","type":1,"text":"I now know that I can handle discomfort and uncertainty, maybe even thrive in it. (My team can too.)","markups":[{"type":1,"start":0,"end":100}]},{"name":"43a4","type":1,"text":"And as much as I want to, I can’t ignore that reality. I’m not the person I was before the storm.","markups":[]},{"name":"b1b1","type":1,"text":"There’s a part of me that’s sad about that. There’s another part of me that’s excited about what’s now possible.","markups":[]},{"name":"98a6","type":1,"text":"Aside from the rebuilding, the next journey will be figuring out what life looks like going forward. I suppose it’s time to embrace that adventure too.","markups":[]}],"sections":[{"name":"be6d","startIndex":0}]},"postDisplay":{"coverless":true}},"virtuals":{"allowNotes":true,"previewImage":{"imageId":"1*TvCKnFBa9DpBa9dX79XIPw.jpeg","filter":"","backgroundSize":"","originalWidth":3997,"originalHeight":1391,"strategy":"resample","height":0,"width":0},"wordCount":874,"imageCount":1,"readingTime":3.49811320754717,"subtitle":"Twice, the lumps in my throat were so large that I almost couldn’t speak. 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